dealing with gender dysphoria (when you're already transitioning)
gender dysphoria guides often recommend two things: social/medical transition and building relationships with other trans people. that stuff is great, but what if it's not enough? almost my entire social circle is trans, and i'm on testosterone (2 years) and just got top surgery (yay!). i am doing great, and life is much better than it was. unfortunately, gender dysphoria can still be triggered/triggering even when we're doing everything we can (or want to) with our unique individual transitions.
for this guide, i focused on stuff you can do alone in your bedroom. while other people can be great sources of support and gender euphoria, they are not always available to be cheerleaders, nor should they be your only source of validation in your gender. these practices will help you feel better from within even if your body and/or social environment are stressing you out.
1. play dress up.
spend some time getting ready to look like your best self at the present moment. take a shower if you can bear to-- an "everything" shower is even better. if not, comb or style your hair. find your favorite underwear. put on gender-affirming scents (or just deodorant) if you would like.
then pick out clothes that really speak to you and give the vibe you want to give. if comfy clothes are your pick, that's great-- but i do recommend considering getting fancy with it. what would you wear to a (queer) wedding, for example, if you were being your best and most authentic self? what would you wear to a night on the town or an upscale restaurant?
"do i have to look in the mirror?"
no! if you think taking selfies or looking in the mirror might make you feel worse, skip that part, but also feel free to partake if you think that would work out for you! then just lounge around in your awesome outfit. (you might get pet hair on your nice clothes, but honestly, who cares? you can fix it later!) do whatever you were going to do anyway, but the dressed-up version!
"i have no clothes i like!"
do your best in this moment today, but if you have trouble with this exercise, you may need new clothes. do you need/want to change your entire wardrobe, or are you just missing a few key pieces that would really improve your confidence? do you need a haircut/dye job that suits you better? make a plan to work towards these things if necessary-- but do your best in the body you have for now, today.
"this doesn't feel possible for me."
if you can't take a luxurious shower and get dressed up nice, for whatever reason, draw yourself in your awesome hypothetical outfit!
2. engage in solo sex/sense play in ways that feel affirming.
the ways we touch ourselves (and how we think about our own pleasure) can often be habit, and therefore not necessarily gender-affirming. what would gender-affirming solo sex play look and feel like for you? maybe you already know, or maybe you could experiment.
consider seeking out affirming and appealing queer porn (visual, audio, or text) that involves people with bodies like yours. don't be afraid to look outside your normal fare, but be aware that you may encounter squicks. that's okay, just keep scrolling!
"i don't have the supplies to do this in a way that feels affirming."
this idea, like playing dress-up, may not be immediately available to you, as you may want to buy prosthetics, vibrators, or other tools. once again, do your best with what you have and can do today-- you have many options, or you can skip this altogether.
"i don't want to do solo sex play at all."
if you are ace, too dysphoric, or otherwise just don't want to do solo sex play, you can do solo sensory play instead. focus on experiences and activities that, in the short term, feel delicious to each of your senses. make banana bread and eat it in your bed in your underwear. light your favorite scented candle and brush your hair.
3. journal about gender.
numbing your gender dysphoria whatever way you can is totally understandable, but it may be helpful to gently feel into it instead. i suggest journaling about gender-related topics or just your feelings in general.
if you want to create your own gender journal, feel free! however, you don't need to dedicate an entire notebook to it-- an existing one would be fine as well.
if you would like to do any of these activities digitally, you can-- but also keep in mind that the tactile movement of writing and drawing might be healing in its own way.
here are some categories to get you started:
your feelings today
write about your feelings today. do your best to avoid spiralling, venting excessively and making yourself feel worse, or endlessly questioning-- write factually how you feel in this moment and why, and then try to be proactive and optimistic. (if you find you can't be proactive, gently choose another activity.) this is pretty open-ended.
create and copy affirmations. these can be about gender stuff or general topics. write what you need to hear!
your ideal self & gender
paste in a recent or old picture of yourself and alter it until you feel comfortable with it.
write about your gender role models. they don't even have to be the same gender as you-- but who (in your personal life or in your more general social awareness) really embodies what you would like to achieve? why? personality and fashion role models are both fair game, but try not to spend time wishing you looked exactly like someone else.
make a clothes/personal care/gender-related items shopping list. if you need inspiration, make a fashion board on pinterest and collect some photos of stuff you like.
brainstorm your ideal presentation. be as vague or specific as you like!
write a letter to your past or future self. it's okay to ask these selves questions, but also try to be optimistic about the present and the future. feel free to stray off the topic of gender!
transition decisions
write a clear, realistic pros-and-cons list for a gender-related choice you are considering.
write a list of names you're considering and your sensory/memory/imaginative associations with each of them.
research and write a list of steps to take to reach a gender-related goal (like surgery or name change). make it as easy and bite-sized as possible.
feeling good about your present & past self
paste in pictures where you felt most yourself, in terms of gender or otherwise. i recommend steering away from selfies-- it has helped my mental health in general to do journaling work with pictures that OTHER people took, to have a variety of candid shots and learn how i actually appear to other people. often, the flaws i'm seeing when i look down aren't apparent to the eyeballs (and cameras) of others-- or maybe you're making such a silly face that you look ridiculous regardless! using photos that other people took and pasting them in my journal helped me feel the love that they feel when they look at me, even if the picture in question was shot by an acquaintance or stranger.
write about your gender journey so far, especially wins.
make a list of qualities you love about yourself.
4. play pretend
play pretend in a way that renders your dysphoria powerless. (this is my personal favorite.) are you a cool astronaut, exploring an alien planet? are you an octopus? are you a historical figure, character, or other role model of yours?
you may want to:
draw art of your new persona.
write stories about this self.
act out situations in character. (move like an octopus! do sofa parkour as if it's an alien landscape!)
roleplay or brainstorm with someone (online or in person)
do your normal tasks in the way that your persona would. for example, you can be a victorian countess summoned to clean out the ancestral mansion, as you clean your room.
listen to music that puts you in the mindset, or make and refine playlists.
put on an outfit that evokes the character you chose.